| My wife and I need to exercise more. Every | | | | butter and jelly sandwiches (for |
| time we leave the house we notice vultures | | | | subsistence), energy bars (for endurance), 2 |
| circling overhead in anticipation and now our | | | | jugs of Gatorade (to replenish our bodily |
| washing machine is doing that nasty thing | | | | fluids), rain gear (in case of inclement |
| where it shrinks our clothes. So, in a moment | | | | weather), a map and compass (in case we get |
| of pure inspiration and absolutely no | | | | lost), a flashlight (in case we're lost at |
| intelligent thought whatsoever, we decide to | | | | night), and signal flares (to assist the |
| take up mountain biking. We could remember | | | | search party).We go over the route one final |
| biking as kids and there was nothing to it. | | | | time. I spread the map out on the kitchen |
| We set out to purchase our bikes with the | | | | table, pointer in hand and carefully review |
| fond memory of a cool breeze gently blowing | | | | the emergency procedures. "If separated, we |
| in our faces.One of the very first things we | | | | will rendezvous either here, at check-point |
| discover is that the seats are too small. | | | | Charlie, or here, at check-point |
| Apparently they are now making the seats | | | | Romeo.""We've been over this four times |
| smaller than in our youth. The clerk smiles | | | | already," my wife complains, obviously taking |
| knowingly and smugly suggests that for the | | | | the whole adventure much too lightly and |
| more mature biking enthusiasts they can | | | | showing no respect for my superior training |
| attach foam padding. There is, of course, an | | | | and experience. After all, I was the one who |
| extra charge. My wife chooses the padding and | | | | spent nearly two full years in the Cub |
| is currently riding around on what looks like | | | | Scouts, not her. Fortunately, I understand |
| a bucket seat from a 1967 Buick. I, on the | | | | the seriousness of the task ahead and have |
| other hand, have decided to save the | | | | taken the necessary precautions.We're finally |
| additional expense and go without the | | | | ready to put our weeks of training and |
| padding. My proctologist has assured me that | | | | preparations to use. It's time to venture |
| the tingling in my left buttock should fade | | | | forth and boldly go where no sane middle-aged |
| away with time.Early saturday morning we | | | | couple has gone before -- it's time to leave |
| prepare for our first cycling adventure. We | | | | our driveway.We brief the kids. "Now |
| decide to leave early to insure we'll be back | | | | remember, while we are gone we want one of |
| before dark. My wife is to travel in front | | | | you to remain by the phone at all times in |
| and carry a fanny pack with suntan lotion, a | | | | case we need to call for assistance.""But |
| first aid kit and our medical insurance | | | | you're only going around the block," the kids |
| cards. Her job is to set the pace. My job is | | | | complain. "The house will be in sight the |
| to follow behind and criticize. I'll be | | | | entire time."Ah, the innocence of youth. They |
| carrying a backpack filled with: peanut | | | | oversimplify everything. |